I’ve been thinking about the meaning of
‘adab’. It is an Arabic word with no exact equivalent in English and has to do
with kindness and good manners expressed with courtesy and refinement. It is
similar to what we used to call ‘grace’ or ‘class.’ It’s what makes us civilized.
I suppose this is why 16th Century French Jesuits went to the
trouble of composing 110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company
and Conversation, and why, when George
Washington was a schoolboy, he transcribed these rules as part of a
hand-writing exercise. Penmanship was
taught back then and so were manners.
John Henry
Newman wrote that a true gentleman’s concern is in “merely removing the
obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him.” Emily
Post said that possessing good manners means having “a sensitive awareness of
the feelings of others”, and Ann Landers defined class as “being considerate of
others.” The First of the Rules of
Civility proclaims that “every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to
those that are present.” I don’t know about you but I’m beginning to see a
pattern here. Good manners
are the practical expression of loving-kindness. They reflect the charity which
Holy Scripture says is patient and kind, and is not boastful, proud,
self-seeking, or rude. We are told that Christians are to be kindly
affectionate one with another with brotherly love, and when we visit each
other’s homes for meals we should do so with thankfulness, eschewing all
rudeness. ‘Adab’ at its root is a term related to mealtime. It comes from a
culture in which dining together is still seen as an act of communion, and
everyone eats with the right hand of fellowship, and dips in a common dish.To live together as one nation is to dip in a common dish. It requires courtesy, thoughtfulness, neighborliness, good will, a desire for fairness, and the old-fashioned virtues of prudence, courage, temperance, and justice. Above all it takes charity and a preference for getting along. In other words we cannot be civilized unless we’re civil.
In his essay:
The Spirit of Appomattox Court House,
historian Douglas Brinkley wrote that “while the scars of the monstrous Civil
War still remain, the wounds have closed since 1865, in large part, because of
the civility of Grant and Lee.” We need civility. No Country is so surely
established or has a Constitution so well devised that it can long endure when
good manners are abandoned, for then we have forsaken the very virtues
required in self-governance. We need grace – the inner and outer adab of
charity – if we’re to have any hope of living in peace.
